Snow White and the Seven HouseElves
by Angela Gray
Summary: Once upon a time, a fanfic author by the name of Azalea decided to do a production of Snow White.. Harry Potter style.


Snow White and the 7 House-Elves 

**Once upon a time, in an imaginary land, Azalea the Fanfic Author had gathered the cast of Harry Potter for a production of Snow White.**

**Azalea yawned. "Well, let's get the show started."**

**Remus Lupin, our narrator, stepped from behind the set. "I agree. Take 1," He said. **

"Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a beautiful muggle princess by the name of Hermione Granger. She lived in a big castle with her evil stepmother, the evil animagus witch queen, Rita Skeeter. The queen was very vain, although, really, she was quite horridly and astoundingly ugly-"

Rita Skeeter gasped. "Remus! Who wrote this?!"

Azalea rolled her eyes." Actually, me. Go on, Moony."

"Erm, yes.... the Evil Queen was jealous of the Beautiful Snow White, who grew more so everyday-"

Rita snorted." What? Her? Beautiful? Remmy-Poo, you must be kidding."

Azalea sighed annoyedly. "Shut yer pie-hole...Remmy-poo??"

"Hmmm, Remmy, you really must teach her proper grammar," The evil witch arched an eyebrow.

"Remmy-Poo ???!!!"

Remus blushed. "Really, Rita.. I don't think you.. I mean..-"

Azalea finished his sentence. "He means shut yer pie-hole."

"I mean let's get on with Snow White."

Rita sighed dreamily. "Whatever you say, Remmy."

Azalea stifled a laugh.

"Please Rita...call me Remus."

She sighed." Of course."

"OK, then. . Everyday, the evil queen would go to her magic mirror, and ask:"

Rita cleared her throat. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall who is the fairest of them all?"

Gilderoy Lockhart yawned. "Me, of course. "

"Gilderoy, you twit.. that's not your line, it's-"

Gilderoy clicked his tongue. "Touchy, aren't we Rita? Oh, well, I do hate lying, but-"

Azalea groaned. "Gilderoy Lockhart...."

"Fine, Fine.. Hermion- oh, I mean, Snow White is !"

Remus continued his narration. "The queen was very angry."

"What?! No! I will be the Fairest. Me, Me! I'll kill Snow White, if that's what it takes!"

Azalea made a face. "She's a horrible actress.. " She whispered to Remus.

Remus shrugged. "I told you to get Mcgonagall.. "

Gilderoy continued to improvise. "She's not the only one...you'd have to get the whole town to kick the bucket."

Rita ignored the mirror. "Yes....I have a plan. Summon the Hunter! "She cackled.

Sirius Black strode unto the stage. "Yes, your majesty? "He smirked.

"Take the princess to the forest and kill her immediately!"

"But-"

"Do it! And bring me her heart! "

Sirius grinned. "whatever, your majesty." He choked. "Gosh, you need a breath mint..."

"Mr. Black, I'll have you know-"

"Whatever, Rita ol' Girl."

Rita gave up. "Oh, you.. dog !"

"that's me."

Moony chuckled amusedly, and continued on. "The hunter went to the princess, and offered to take her on a walk through the woods."

"Herm- I mean, princess white, would you like to go on a walk through the woods?"

Hermione smiled and nervously said her first lines. "Of course, Mr. Hunter, sir."

"Very well, then. Let's go, before it gets dark." Sirius took Hermione's hand and led her into the forest scene.

"Once they were deep in the forest, the hunter was struck by the princess's beauty and kindness, and could not kill her."

Rita the evil queen crossed her arms. "hmph. Oh, really?"

Sirius kneeled in front of Hermione. "Oh, princess, I must admit that the evil animagus queen, your wicked, astoundingly ugly step mom has ordered me to kill you! But how could I ever kill such a kind maiden!"

Hermione stifled a laugh. "how.. how could she..?!"

"you must run! Run away, to the heart of the forest! To where the Astoundingly Ugly evil Queen will never find you!"

Hermione threw her arms around Sirius. "Then, what about you? She'll know you let me live, and kill you instead!"

Sirius shook his head. "Don't worry about me, princess. Now go, I'll be fine."

Remus glanced at script. "Snow White ran through the night, cold and afraid. Meanwhile, the hunter wonders how he will fool the queen."

Sirius held up a light bulb. "I shall bring her the heart of an animal! She's so stupid she'll never know!"

Remus stared skeptically at Sirius's light bulb. "the hunter looked for an animal to sacrifice. His eyes fell on-"

Sirius grinned. "A wolf."

Remus blinked. "-where?"

"A were-wolf."

Remus sighed.

"Be serious, Sirius." Azalea laughed nervously.

"I am."

"I mean- Well, you can't shoot the narrator!"

"The story says a stag-"Remus added helpfully.

"I utterly refuse to shoot a stag!"

Hermione poked her head out from a cardboard tree. "Um, professor? Mr. Black? Shouldn't we go a bit faster? I have homework to do-"

"Give us a minute, Hermione! "Lupin turned to Sirius. "No stags or wolves...or foxes."

Azalea smiled triumphantly. "Or bunnies, cats, sheep, or weasels either. Or iguanas."

"How about dog?" Remus laughed.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I have a better idea: Beetle."

"do beetles have hearts?"

"One does."

"But then there'd be no Rita to give the heart to." Remus pointed out.

Sirius smiled innocently." two problems solved at once?"

Azalea sighed. "As much as I wish it, we can't kill crew members." She smiled evilly. "I know: rat!"

Padfoot grinned mischievously. "Ah, yes...rat. Perfect. Oh, Peter...."

Moony laughed. "the hunter managed to trick the queen, and escaped before she figured it out."

Rita cleared her throat. "Mirror, Mirror-"

"Yes, yes, Snow White, I told you already!"

The Queen gasped. "But she's dead!"

"Nuh-uh! I'm the mirror, Rita, darling. I'm always right."

"No! That cannot be!"

Gilderoy flashed her his toothy smile. "can too."

"Oh, shut up. I've got a plan..." Rita murmured.

"Oh, don't you always."

"Meanwhile, Snow white stumbled and groped in the dark forest until morning. Then, she found a tiny cottage. She was very tired, and went inside." Remus narrated.

Hermione stepped into the cottage. "How clean it is here!"

"She was surprised how tiny and orderly everything was, but she simply couldn't stay awake, and fell asleep on one of the tiny beds. While she slept the owners of the cottage returned. Slowly, seven House-elves entered their cottage.

"Look, look! There is a big person on the bed!"

"Wake her up, Dobby!"

"Yeah! She's wrinkling our sheets!"

Dobby whimpered. "But why Dobby? Why not Winky or Dinky?"

Winky squealed. "Winky is too scared, Dobby!"

"And Dinky too! And Dooky, Blinky, Kooky, and Wonky too!" said a small elf in a red hat.

Dobby sighed. "Okay...Dobby will go."

"Go Dobby!" Winky cheered.

Dobby shook Snow White. "Wake up, Miss, wake up!"

"Huhh?"

"Hello Miss!" He exclaimed.

Hermione gasped." Who are you!?"

"I is Dobby the house elf, Miss!"

"Oh.. I'm Hermione, AKA, Snow white."

Dobby tilted his head. "Herm-iown-ninny...Hermy-onee.... hairy-ninny-ony"

Hermione sighed. "Just call me Snow."

"Hi Snow!" The elves chorused.

Snow gasped in delight. "Oh! There's more of you!"

Winky nodded vigorously. "yes, Miss! I'm Winky, That's Dobby, and they're Dinky, Dooky, Kooky, Blinky, and Wonky! We're House elves, we are! "

"What exactly is a house elf?" Snow asked curiously.

"A house elf is an elf who...lives and works and cleans houses for their master, whom they live to serve, and their every whim is our command, or we are severely punished... "Dinky explained.

"But we don't have one!" The elves cried.

"But it's like slavery!" Hermione was horrified.

"No, house elves live for it! "Kooky sobbed.

"there, there..." She comforted the elves.

"I know! Will you be our master?" Wonky said eagerly.

"I don't- well, actually, why not? But- You must let me help you!"

"No, No!" The elves screamed.

"But-"

"We'll get you something to eat!" The house-elves hurried away.

"Snow was very puzzled by the strange elves who lived in the cabin in the woods. But she worried what the evil Queen was plotting." Remus read.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!!" Rita cackled, then began to choke.

"Don't hurt yourself, Queenie!" Lockhart chirped.

Rita answered raspily. "water.. wah-t-ter..."

Remus grimaced. "Um...Emergency, scene 4! "

Azalea rushed to Rita. "Someone get an elf over here..!"

Dinky ran up. "Sorry Miss! I couldn't reach the tap! "He handed her a glass of water.

"Quite Alright, Dinky. Uh, run on back to your scene now."

"Yes, Ma'am!" Dinky obediently scampered back.

Remus looked questioningly at Lockhart. "Gilderoy, what happened?"

"Oh, Queenie here just found the limit of her lung capacity, that's all."

Azalea passed Rita her glass. "Drink that. We didn't poison it, honest, we didn't."

"gahh..... Thank you."

Gilderoy smiled toothily. "Don't mention it.:

Rita coughed. "Not you, creep.. "

"I'm offended!"

"you should be." She gulped the last of her water.

"Back to the scene, peeps! Remus?" Azalea said briskly.

"Here. Rita, are you okay?"

Rita smiled sweetly "Of course, Remus."

"Alright: She worried what the evil Queen was plotting...?"

Rita smoothed her hair. "Ah, my plan is faultless!"

"Don't be so cocky, Majesty." Gilderoy interrupted boredly.

"Why not? I'll transfigure myself into an old hag-"

"Well, you won't really need to transfigure, then. No offense, But, Rita darling, your hair-"Gilderoy laughed.

"Shut up! As a hag, I can kill her by using this poisoned B.B bean! The moment she eats it, she'll be poisoned, and I shall depart, leaving no evidence! The only antidote will be a kiss from a student of Durmstrang. Oh, sometimes I am astounded by my own sheer genius! HaHa!"

Gilderoy arched an eyebrow, mocking his queen. "Well, since you need to know where Snow is, obviously, I'll tell you before you notice your mistake and ask. She's at the cottage of the seven house elves, in the heart of the wood. Go straight to the babbling brook, and take a left at the rock that looks like a fat lady."

"How helpful indeed! Bwahahahaha!.. arg." Rita coughed slightly.

Remus continued the story." Back at the cottage, Snow has had a wonderful meal consisting of-"He stopped.

Azalea glanced over. "What?"

"The food items. Tender soft turkey ...sizzling hot roast beef..."

Azalea pulled out her English notes. "It was supposed to 'make the reader feel as if they could nearly taste the food and see the image.'....whatever that means."

"grilled shrimp bursting with flavor..." Remus continued.

Rita ran to look at Remus's script. "spicy fried chicken...."

"chicken!" Sirius grabbed the script.

Azalea shrugged. ".Anybody hungry?"

"no."

"not really."

"Yes- What?" Remus looked around confusedly.

"Um.. Someone get Moony a sandwich." Azalea said.

"Sandwich??"

She sighed. "Okay, Lunch break!"

"Okay: After her meal, Snow and the elves went to sleep. In the morning, the elves woke Snow up, as they all had to leave to work , which was doing various odd jobs, such as seat saving." Remus picked up again happily.

"Bye Snow! Remember, don't let anyone in the house!" Dooky called

"Don't talk to strangers!" Advised Kooky

"We'll be back soon!" Wonky reassured her.

"Bye!" Snow called out cheerfully.

"When Snow went back into the cottage, she decided to do something nice for the poor brain washed elves. She began to clean, but soon found out there was nothing to clean. So then she decided to make them a cake , with the help of her animal friends."

"Oh, I'm sure the elves will love my cake. I feel so sorry for them, working- or really, slaving, over us humans. I'll help them somehow...." Snow pondered.

"Of coarse they will Snow!" Harry the bird chirped.

Hermione could hardly contain her giggles.

"Yeah!" Ron the rabbit agreed.

"You can cook?" Snape the squirrel grumbled.

Hermione worked hard not to collapse with laughter.

Remus managed to contain his laughter and narrate. "Soon, the evil queen, cleverly disguised as an old woman (which she was anyway) interrupted Snow White's thoughts for a house elf protection society."

There is a knock at the door.

"Who's there?" Snow called out.

"a poor old woman." A feeble voice rasped.

"a poor old woman who?"

"This isn't a knock-knock joke! Let me in! ...please?"

"Oh, alright." Snow said annoyedly. She opened the door.

"No! No! "Harry and Ron chattered and chirruped.

"Yes, yes! Nothing can make this worse-"Snape muttered insanely.

"Thank you, dear." Rita said

Snape buried his squirrelly face in his tiny paws. "I hate this."

"Snow! But- the elves-"Harry stammered.

"You weren't supposed to open the door!" Ron panicked.

"Is there anything you need?" Snow ignored him

Rita smiled sinisterly. "Oh, no. Really, I'm selling every-flavor beans."

"Are they really every flavor?" Harry asked quizzically.

"Of course!" Rita declared proudly.

"Even cat shampoo?" Ron asked.

"I-"

"and tile grout?" Harry continued.

"Alright, so I don't really know, but-"

Ron leapt at Rita's head angrily. "That's false advertising!"

"Oh, be quiet! Is that even in the script?!" she swatted him way.

Remus checked the script. "No, it's not, as a matter of fact.."

"It's called improvising. It's bad enough I have to be a bunny-"Ron complained.

"And why in the name of Merlin am I a squirrel? I am not a squirrel!" Snape snarled indignantly.

"Yeah, he's more of the 'Slimy the slug' type." Sirius snickered.

Snape flipped around. "Black! "

Sirius smirked cockily. "C'mon, Snape.," he held out a bottle of Herbal Essences Shampoo. "I know you want it... and I know you need it.."

Azalea coughed to hide a giggle. "Okay, people! Back to the story!"

Snape narrowed his eyes. "I'll get you, Black.."

Sirius waved back mockingly.

"As I was saying.. Would you like some beans, dear?" Rita continued.

"..no, thank you." Snow replied sweetly.

Ron sighed in relief.

" Those house elves of yours would love some beans like these...." Rita suggested sneakily.

Snow thought for a moment. "Well, I'll try anything."

"Noooo!" Harry screamed desperately.

"Whatever, Potter." Snape sneered.

"Ah, good. Here, try the beans..."

Rita smiles broadly as Snow takes the Bertie Botts bean, and delicately tastes it.

"wha- what's.. happ.. en- ing..-"Snow murmured.

"As she takes the bean, Snow White faints." Remus stated.

"Bwahahahaha!" Rita laughs manically.

"The evil Queen had succeeded. She began her triumphant walk home, back to the castle. But still, she doesn't realize Snow's faithful animal friends, who have gone to warn the dwarves."

"What'll that mirror say now? HaHa!" Rita gloats.

"Meanwhile, Harry and Ron have found the dwarves." Remus continued.

"The queen! The queen! She killed Snow!" Harry chirruped shrilly.

"What?? No!" The elves moaned.

"She's on her way back to her castle!" Ron chirruped.

"Oh Dear!" Winky cried.

"she tracked mud into the cottage." Snape said.

Dobby gasped. "CHARGE!"

"As if I really care." Snape muttered.

"The dwarves were very angry. They ran after the Queen, Shouting brutal threats and insults." Remus flipped through the pages of his script booklet.

"You killed Miss Snow!" Winky screeched

"We'll run you down and gut you like a fish!!" Wonky shouted.

"You pungent ignoramus Nuisance!!" Dooky screamed.

"The Queen panicked and ran. The elves had powerful magic, and they'd live up to their threats. She was afraid, and continued on till she was trapped. She was on the edge of a cliff."

"NOOOO! "Rita wailed.

"TAKE NO PRISONERS, TAKE NO PRISONERS!" The elves chanted.

"Mercy, please- No, what am I saying, You Bloody Elves, She deserved it!" The Queen cackled.

The elves gasped. "YOU SHALL NOT HARM SNOW WHITE!!!!"

"In anger, they blasted the Queen off the cliff," Moony went on.

"AAAAAHHHH!!" Rita wailed.

"No actual witches were harmed in the making of this story." Azalea grinned.

"It is finished!" Blinky sighed.

"Bu- but... Snow!" The elves cried.

"Back at their cottage, the elves mourned over Snow. They couldn't bear to bury her, so they put her In a glass coffin, surrounded by flowers." Remus read quickly.

"Oh, Snow!" Blinky mourned.

"Why did you open the door?" Dooky pondered sadly.

"We told her not to! "Harry and Ron cried.

"One less Griffindor to give detention." Snape sneered.

"Meanwhile a brave, handsome Boy (who had studied at Durmstrang) was traveling. When he came to the cottage, he was struck by Snow's sweet

face. He was in love, and the elves cried for him." Remus narrated.

"But sir! Snow is.. is.. Dead! "The elves wailed.

"But...I luve her.." Viktor Krum gazed lovingly at Hermione.

"The elves pitied him so much, they let him open the coffin."

"oh.. She is even more beautiful from up close..." Slowly, Victor kissed Snow.

"As Prince Viktor Kissed her lips, Snow White's eyes fluttered open," Remus continued.

"Snow! You're Alive!" The elves cheered.

"Snow! You- ...... "Ron and Harry chirped and chirruped happily.

"Ugh, I knew it was to good to last." Snape said disgustedly.

"Vell......"

Snow blushed. "Um...."

"Um.. my name is Viktor, sveet maiden.."

"...Snow White.. call me Snow."

"Awwww....." The elves sighed happily.

Harry and Ron glared at Victor evilly.

Snape turns green with nausea.

"I vas just on my vay to the library..." Viktor began.

"Library?! "Snow exclaimes.

Viktor smiles happily. "Vould you like to come?"

"Of Course!" Snow smiled lovingly. "Have you read Hogwarts: A History?"

"Hermione and Victor walk off chatting, and in love." Remus concluded.

"Bye Snow!" The elves wave happily.

"Bye, Friends!" Snow laughs.

Harry and Ron grudgingly wave good-bye.

"Finally!" Snape walks off.

Azalea glared at Snape. "And so Hermione married her prince..."

"And they lived happily ever after. The End! Finally!"


End file.
